miércoles, 27 de abril de 2011

it might be a quarter life crisis...or just a stirring in my soul...

A year ago I was sitting on the edge of the universe, waiting for the next to come.
I was still, I was nervous, I was anticipating all the things to come.  There was no doubt.
There was fear, but not enough to tame my wild spirit...

and life comes at you.  It hits you hard in the face sometimes.  I took it and ran.
Crazy times, lots of laughs. Kissing strangers, and then running into them again.
Blushing madly, smiling widely, giggling until my face turns red.  Although the peak
was not at those points, I hit some highs.  I hit some highs, and there were plenty of lows.
In the darkness by myself, when nobody was watching.  My heart ached.  It ached for love,
as it always does.  My heart always aches for companionship and love.  I wanted more than
just a night of hooking up.  I wanted more than just the taste of the kiss of a stranger on my
petal-soft lips. 

Finding love is never an easy task.  And I'm not sure if I was ever supposed to seek it out.
But love happens.  It happens even when you don't want it to.  It happens when you least expect...
When I was in his arms I felt complete.  When he kissed my lips, my heart leapt.  I hadn't felt so many
butterflies since I was fifteen...

Mistakes were made.  Words were exchanged that were less than pleasant.  My heart was torn out of my chest.
And I moved on.  I had a decision to make...and I walked away.

If I lived in California I would take advantage of the heat outside.  I would drive with the windows down
and the A/C off...or rather broken.  I would love for the sun to warm me up as it would rise in the morning.
I would love to feel the feeling of freedom, light, and wind all around me.  Those are the times when my spirit
is finally free.  When I am all alone. When I am independent, my spirit flies in the air, does flips, gets wild and crazy
chasing dreams I never thought I'd have the courage to...

and when I left him, I wasn't independent.  I wasn't on my own.  Sometimes I wonder what would've happened
had I been alone.  Sometimes I wonder what would've happened if I had to rough it all alone.  Surely I would have
not lasted more than a day, without breaking down and running back.  But I had something else.  Someone special.

We met in the least of appropriate ways, or from what I recall at least...he says we met another night, but I could not
remember his face, or his name.  We stumbled and fumbled the night I remember, a little embarrassed to say the least,
but a little intoxicated as well.  I didn't remember his name the next day and when it was mentioned...I burst out into laughter.
I always seemed to get humor out of those stories...

We kept running into each other.  The same situation once more.  Twice, three times, four.  Every month or so...
Initially I never had a single thought. I never wanted anything to come of us. But one day it did.  I faced this choice.
I faced this choice between he and I together, he who treated me so well and I...I was just a woman who spent a few nights in his bed. 
I had never received such great hospitality from someone that I didn't necessarily expect to see again, unless our lips became
intoxicatedly locked once more...
And I chose him.  I chose him over another, another who I deeply cared about but I freed myself from. He only brought me pain.  He
only tried to change me.  I didn't want to change.  I wanted to love, I wanted to be loved.  I thought he would adore me.  I thought he
might be the one.  But he kept treating me less than equal.  He stopped giving me the respect I deserved.  He refused to understand why.
Why I was and desired to be so independent, mature, successful, without any man behind me.  He said it was his culture.  He said women
didn't do those things.  Women weren't as outspoken as I seemed to be.  But I loved that.  I love to know that I am

And beautifully so.

Take me as I am, or let me go.  The final thought inside my mind when I made it up.  And then it was on to the other, who we had talked about
being together and desired to see each other.  Although it seemed...and maybe it was all for the wrong reasons, it turned out all right.
We fell in love within two weeks.  Maybe it was induced by the alcohol, maybe I was addicted to his kisses.  But he was everything in my heart.
And I could see his love for me through it all.

I gave him my heart.  I had never loved someone in the way that I had loved him before.  Everything in the past was stupid hopeful fairytale bull shit.  This time it was raw, real, beautiful.  It wasn't the "butterflies" or a nervous feeling.  It was this feeling in my heart that wouldn't go away.  This feeling that said, "this is right."  This is so right.

So I gave him everything I could.  He took that with no regrets.  We went in, totally committed, no regrets.  Like jumping off the edge of a cliff, hoping you'll hit warm, foamy water.  We hit the water all right. We enjoyed every moment spent together.  We enjoyed every time we were together, and we tried to have no regrets.  We tried and tried and tried so hard.

My heart was in pieces inside at times.  I had done something unthinkable.  I had done something that I had declared to myself that I would never do, for a long long time.  And he felt this pain in his heart too.  He watched me cry.  He watched me want, and cry, and die inside.  I felt so hollow, but I felt completed by him at the same time. But with him by my side it all seemed to get better.  It all seemed to be okay.

We had our ups and downs, as I tried to figure myself out.  I was discovering new things about me.  It was like opening presents every day.
I couldn't tell you how I felt in those moments when I took life into my own hands.  I couldn't describe how amazing I felt when I thought...
I am going to make a difference.

Thoughts of
and Minors
and Specializations
and study abroad.
I wanted to get out in the world.
I want to get out in the world.

Desire in life to be independent, by myself, in the jungle, helping others, fending for my life and theirs.  I wanted to be so free.
I was reunited with my king.  He showed me where I wanted to be.  It took me months of struggle to get out of the life I was living.
I wanted to be intoxicated in his love, I wanted that so much more than being intoxicated in the street, or at a house, or in a bed.
He was the key force to pushing me, raising me up, showing me that I am called to be so much
more than what I had initially thought.

I know it's a struggle but now I think I'm getting it right.
I am
I am
I am

I love him.
Definitely, but is it right?   Is it right to hold onto something that you're pretty sure wouldn't even last?  For the sake of my heart right now?
Forget my heart.  Go with my head.  Step out into the universe.  Reach out hand.  Love everyone.  Do what you've been doing.  You see it every day when you walk outside.  You see that life is changing all around, and that you're changing too.  You know you have a long way to go. 
You know there's so much out there for you, you just have to reach for it.  Reach for it. 

I've been walking my own path.
I've been trekking around.
I've been going on adventures
I've been getting shit done.
I've been dreaming, and I hope to make those dreams come true.

I will make those dreams come true.

A year ago, I would have NEVER expected to be where I am right now.  And I think that...maybe I got off the road a while back, but we all do.
Everyone has a point where they're not even sure what they want anymore.
But I know now.
A year ago, I wouldn't have been so courageous to step out in the world as I am now. I am ready for anything. I am ready for it.
I am ready to
move mountains
change minds
teach others
share love

I am ready for anything.  So give it to me, and I will take it and run with it,
and hopefully a year from now, I'll finish the race.

No regrets this time.  No looking back on the past.  Of course I don't know what there is to come.  Of course I'm unsure of everything that I
have in my head.
but I know.
It will all work itself out in the end somehow.
I believe that through
grace, faith, love, life
it will all
be okay.

Start the car.
The road goes on for miles, and you have a long journey to make.
(I believe in you)

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