miércoles, 27 de abril de 2011

it might be a quarter life crisis...or just a stirring in my soul...

A year ago I was sitting on the edge of the universe, waiting for the next to come.
I was still, I was nervous, I was anticipating all the things to come.  There was no doubt.
There was fear, but not enough to tame my wild spirit...

and life comes at you.  It hits you hard in the face sometimes.  I took it and ran.
Crazy times, lots of laughs. Kissing strangers, and then running into them again.
Blushing madly, smiling widely, giggling until my face turns red.  Although the peak
was not at those points, I hit some highs.  I hit some highs, and there were plenty of lows.
In the darkness by myself, when nobody was watching.  My heart ached.  It ached for love,
as it always does.  My heart always aches for companionship and love.  I wanted more than
just a night of hooking up.  I wanted more than just the taste of the kiss of a stranger on my
petal-soft lips. 

Finding love is never an easy task.  And I'm not sure if I was ever supposed to seek it out.
But love happens.  It happens even when you don't want it to.  It happens when you least expect...
When I was in his arms I felt complete.  When he kissed my lips, my heart leapt.  I hadn't felt so many
butterflies since I was fifteen...

Mistakes were made.  Words were exchanged that were less than pleasant.  My heart was torn out of my chest.
And I moved on.  I had a decision to make...and I walked away.

If I lived in California I would take advantage of the heat outside.  I would drive with the windows down
and the A/C off...or rather broken.  I would love for the sun to warm me up as it would rise in the morning.
I would love to feel the feeling of freedom, light, and wind all around me.  Those are the times when my spirit
is finally free.  When I am all alone. When I am independent, my spirit flies in the air, does flips, gets wild and crazy
chasing dreams I never thought I'd have the courage to...

and when I left him, I wasn't independent.  I wasn't on my own.  Sometimes I wonder what would've happened
had I been alone.  Sometimes I wonder what would've happened if I had to rough it all alone.  Surely I would have
not lasted more than a day, without breaking down and running back.  But I had something else.  Someone special.

We met in the least of appropriate ways, or from what I recall at least...he says we met another night, but I could not
remember his face, or his name.  We stumbled and fumbled the night I remember, a little embarrassed to say the least,
but a little intoxicated as well.  I didn't remember his name the next day and when it was mentioned...I burst out into laughter.
I always seemed to get humor out of those stories...

We kept running into each other.  The same situation once more.  Twice, three times, four.  Every month or so...
Initially I never had a single thought. I never wanted anything to come of us. But one day it did.  I faced this choice.
I faced this choice between he and I together, he who treated me so well and I...I was just a woman who spent a few nights in his bed. 
I had never received such great hospitality from someone that I didn't necessarily expect to see again, unless our lips became
intoxicatedly locked once more...
And I chose him.  I chose him over another, another who I deeply cared about but I freed myself from. He only brought me pain.  He
only tried to change me.  I didn't want to change.  I wanted to love, I wanted to be loved.  I thought he would adore me.  I thought he
might be the one.  But he kept treating me less than equal.  He stopped giving me the respect I deserved.  He refused to understand why.
Why I was and desired to be so independent, mature, successful, without any man behind me.  He said it was his culture.  He said women
didn't do those things.  Women weren't as outspoken as I seemed to be.  But I loved that.  I love to know that I am

And beautifully so.

Take me as I am, or let me go.  The final thought inside my mind when I made it up.  And then it was on to the other, who we had talked about
being together and desired to see each other.  Although it seemed...and maybe it was all for the wrong reasons, it turned out all right.
We fell in love within two weeks.  Maybe it was induced by the alcohol, maybe I was addicted to his kisses.  But he was everything in my heart.
And I could see his love for me through it all.

I gave him my heart.  I had never loved someone in the way that I had loved him before.  Everything in the past was stupid hopeful fairytale bull shit.  This time it was raw, real, beautiful.  It wasn't the "butterflies" or a nervous feeling.  It was this feeling in my heart that wouldn't go away.  This feeling that said, "this is right."  This is so right.

So I gave him everything I could.  He took that with no regrets.  We went in, totally committed, no regrets.  Like jumping off the edge of a cliff, hoping you'll hit warm, foamy water.  We hit the water all right. We enjoyed every moment spent together.  We enjoyed every time we were together, and we tried to have no regrets.  We tried and tried and tried so hard.

My heart was in pieces inside at times.  I had done something unthinkable.  I had done something that I had declared to myself that I would never do, for a long long time.  And he felt this pain in his heart too.  He watched me cry.  He watched me want, and cry, and die inside.  I felt so hollow, but I felt completed by him at the same time. But with him by my side it all seemed to get better.  It all seemed to be okay.

We had our ups and downs, as I tried to figure myself out.  I was discovering new things about me.  It was like opening presents every day.
I couldn't tell you how I felt in those moments when I took life into my own hands.  I couldn't describe how amazing I felt when I thought...
I am going to make a difference.

Thoughts of
and Minors
and Specializations
and study abroad.
I wanted to get out in the world.
I want to get out in the world.

Desire in life to be independent, by myself, in the jungle, helping others, fending for my life and theirs.  I wanted to be so free.
I was reunited with my king.  He showed me where I wanted to be.  It took me months of struggle to get out of the life I was living.
I wanted to be intoxicated in his love, I wanted that so much more than being intoxicated in the street, or at a house, or in a bed.
He was the key force to pushing me, raising me up, showing me that I am called to be so much
more than what I had initially thought.

I know it's a struggle but now I think I'm getting it right.
I am
I am
I am

I love him.
Definitely, but is it right?   Is it right to hold onto something that you're pretty sure wouldn't even last?  For the sake of my heart right now?
Forget my heart.  Go with my head.  Step out into the universe.  Reach out hand.  Love everyone.  Do what you've been doing.  You see it every day when you walk outside.  You see that life is changing all around, and that you're changing too.  You know you have a long way to go. 
You know there's so much out there for you, you just have to reach for it.  Reach for it. 

I've been walking my own path.
I've been trekking around.
I've been going on adventures
I've been getting shit done.
I've been dreaming, and I hope to make those dreams come true.

I will make those dreams come true.

A year ago, I would have NEVER expected to be where I am right now.  And I think that...maybe I got off the road a while back, but we all do.
Everyone has a point where they're not even sure what they want anymore.
But I know now.
A year ago, I wouldn't have been so courageous to step out in the world as I am now. I am ready for anything. I am ready for it.
I am ready to
move mountains
change minds
teach others
share love

I am ready for anything.  So give it to me, and I will take it and run with it,
and hopefully a year from now, I'll finish the race.

No regrets this time.  No looking back on the past.  Of course I don't know what there is to come.  Of course I'm unsure of everything that I
have in my head.
but I know.
It will all work itself out in the end somehow.
I believe that through
grace, faith, love, life
it will all
be okay.

Start the car.
The road goes on for miles, and you have a long journey to make.
(I believe in you)

lunes, 25 de abril de 2011

Study Break

Okay, now seriously...am I really enjoying being alone?  And am I really hating talking to him this much?  I never really thought I would say this but...I really think I'm getting over it.  And I think he was right and that I shouldn't keep up this ruse for much longer.  I feel almost bad.  I really do care about him so much!  And today we kissed when we saw each other...but it's just so normal for us to do that...  It doesn't mean I actually LIKE him or anything... But I think I do...

It's all too confusing.  I love being here at the library by myself and typing and (trying) to get stuff done.  But for some reason I have this obsession of being tied down...I don't really understand that part of myself.  I'm always saying how much I want to be "liberated" and "independent" and that I don't need a man to make me feel validated (which of course I don't).  It's just the simple fact of having a guy...and the weirdest part is that I LIKE to assume the role of typical "submissive woman."  I like to cook for him and take care of him and do things for him. I thoroughly enjoy that...like a mother takes care of a child (ok that is such a weird-ass way to put it but it's true).  Is something wrong with me?  I like to be motherly and I keep thinking about babies all the damn time...THIS CANNOT BE NORMAL.  I am 19 years old!  I don't have time for babies!  But I still love them to death!  And pregnant women, I just feel so much compassion for them...Sometimes I feel like the weirdest person in the world.  Maybe I should volunteer at a pregnancy center this summer...or even a day care.  Maybe that will knock some sense into me.  (Not that I'm actually physically TRYING to get pregnant, my parents would KILL me). 

Somebody PLEASE knock it into my brain that I gotta stop thinking about YEARS from now and think about today!  Like the interview I had, or the jobs, my classes, this paper that I am avoiding...  Wow and that now brings me to thinking about how happy I am with all of those things.  Even if I don't get this bad ass job that I really want, I don't think I'll be that devastated because I know my interview went well.  And that's all part of the process.  Just as learning to lead a student organization will be and writing a newsletter. 

Why is my life so incredibly ridiculous? :)  Honestly, right now all I'm thinking about is finishing this paper and getting out of school.  I cannot wait for the summer to come and to see my beloved friends and just enjoy my last summer of being a teenager.  It's rather exciting.  Life is definitely going to put some great challenges in front of me, but I'm so excited to take them on.  I'm so ready for this and I'm motivated and I'm going to do this all.

So why the hell am I worried about men and relationships and babies?  I have no clue!  It has no relevance to where I'm at right now in life anyway.  Just screw it all!  Throw it out the window.  I gotta concentrate on what's right here.  And I'm going to.  I'm going to tackle this and kill it.  I'm going to succeed.  Nobody can tell me otherwise.  I can and WILL succeed.

lunes, 11 de abril de 2011

And if you believe in life...

My argument is NOT stupid.  No argument is STUPID.  Never said yours was, I just think it's a little UNETHICAL, IMMORAL, and CRUEL.  So what if I am the way I am?  I support life.  I love life.  No baby should ever be "unwanted."  Were you not born?  Do you not recognize that all who are "pro-choice" have been born? 

Abortions are federally funded in the District of Columbia.
CHECK IT---> http://www.lifesitenews.com/news/archive/ldn/2009/dec/09121706 
No lies here.

Birth control pills are abortifacents.  CHECK IT.

LIFE begins at conception.  SCIENTIFIC FACT.
One year later the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG) decided to redefine pregnancy. In its words, “conception is the implantation of a fertilized ovum.”[10] Instead of defining conception as fertilization, ACOG decided that life begins nearly a week later, at implantation. At the time they said that this was because pregnancy could not be detected before then. Today science is able to detect pregnancy before implantation, but the ACOG still won’t correct its definition.[11] The original change had nothing to do with a scientific discovery in women’s health, reproduction, or biology. Unfortunately, doctors today are split on the issue.[12]


Birth control pills increase risk of breast, cervix, and liver cancer.

Info about how birth control doesn't correlate with lower pregnancy or abortion rates, it actually increases them.
"Lastly, it should be noted that anyone who believes that contraception decreases abortions ignores the fact that hormonal birth control can cause abortions.[7] Click here for details on that."

And that's the FACTS.  I'm not stupid.  Why would you put your own body at risk?  Why would you EVER consider a human being not worthy for a life?  Why would you tell me my information isn't true when obviously it is? 

Peace out.

domingo, 10 de abril de 2011

but we don't know the meaning of...fear...

And is this what happens?  After breaking up with the one you thought was "the one"?  I wanted to be with you, so badly.  I wanted you to hold me, so tenderly.  I wanted to be with you for the rest of my life.  And you told me that you wanted the same things.  But you go and change your mind?  And I waste months and months, trying to change your mind.  Was it fair to me?  Did I waste my time on you?  Did I waste my love on you?  I want to say that I didn't.  I want to say that it was great.  I want to say that I loved every moment of being with you.  Lies.  I didn't.  A lot of times I just wish you would be someone else.  Something else.  You couldn't give me what I needed.  But I have to do this.  I have to be strong.  I have to be alone.  I have to be beautiful.  I want you to look at me and adore me. Do you adore me?  I don't think you adore me. I don't think you could give me enough...I can give myself enough.  I'm breaking the chains, I don't need you anymore.

and not to say that you didn't mean anything to me.
You definitely meant a lot to me.  And you are an amazing human being.  I think that it's just time for me to step out into the light and take charge of my life, instead of depending on you for everything. 

I know the meaning of fear...
But it will be conquered.

jueves, 7 de abril de 2011

scar tissue that i wish you saw...

What happened to counterculture?  What happened to the beauty and magic of it?  The defiance of set societal standards and the fight for something better for us.  Have we left it all back in the 1960's?  Have we forgotten the battles that the previous generations have fought for us.  I hope not.  I dearly hope not.  But it sickens me to see, this modern day culture.  This media saturated culture.  Education has gone to shit.  We are here in college, not to become educated, but to become those people who make money.  Have we all degraded ourselves to this point?  Is this really what people think of higher education?  Of life?  Of careers.  Of course there will be the big shots, the guys who want all the money in the world.  But most of us, most of us will go to college, graduate, get a job, live comfortably.  But is that really the point of life?  To be either living the high life or being comfortable (and I can imagine that those who are living the high life are more than comfortable)?  No, brothers and sisters.  Life is about stepping outside your comfort zones.  Life is about taking risks.  Life is about learning and loving and working hard and putting your whole heart and soul into what you do.  Life is about finding a cause to live for, something to fight for.  Establishing dignity, breaking down boundaries, telling them that NO we won't take this.  If there is no desire, there is no counterculture.  If there is no hope for change, nothing will change.  If there is nothing left for us to believe in, then we have nothing.  But see it as this; there is always something to believe in.  Whether it be for a better tomorrow, or just hope in general.  It could be faith, religion, God, a spirit, who knows.  But there is always something to believe in.  Life is bleak and hollow without belief or desire.  I have been one of those followers of the crowd.  I have been one of those media-saturated beings that call themselves humans.  There is no life with that.  There is no hope in that life.  Sometimes we need to peel our eyes away from the T.V. screen, or even ask ourselves questions about it.  Why do the women always look in a particular way?  Why must the men all be of a certain race or class?  Why must certain characters remain plot devices?  Or why is there humor because of a character that is different than the rest?  If we ask questions in our daily lives, thoughts will grow in our minds.  Once we start asking questions and connecting things in our daily lives, it is then when we become educated, or on the road to education.  Education is key to counterculture just as belief is.  Is it not clear as day?  Do we not see what is happening, endangering our communities in our own country?  They call us aliens.  They say it is their country, and we are the foreigners...but whose ancestors called this earth home long before the pale faced man stepped onto this soil?  Whose traditions and families and lives happened on this continent before anyone else could step foot here?  It was our ancestors.  And it is our right to be here, in this land.  Immigrants?  We are not immigrants, we are natives.  Illegals?  We are not illegal, this land should be our rightful home.  So what makes this judgment of whose land it is or not?  Who says who "owns" this land.  Nobody owns this land, this land was our mother earth's gift to her people, and her people are supposed to respect it.  That surely never happened.  Do you realize who this world was built in favor for, when you see suburbs, and cities, and planes and trains and books and magazines?  Do you realize who things are made for and what everything is catered toward?  It is not for us.  It is not our world, because they have taken it from us.  But so many have slipped into this culture, being taken advantage of through their hegemonic means.  We think that this is all there is.  We think that maybe if we work hard enough we will get what we want.  This is what they want us to think.  This is what they want us to think when they take away our workers' rights, our scholarships, and our dignity.  They want us to think there is nothing more than what life they have given us.  It is our time to take it back.  It is our turn to get what we rightfully deserve.  It should never have been a crime for one to come here, in order to feed their family.  It should never be a crime to teach freely about our sacred culture.  It should never be legal for the government to require you to carry around "documents" just because you are brown.  Don't listen to their bull shit.  Don't let them take away your rights.  You are strong.  We are strong.  Revive the counterculture.  Viva la raza!

take it on the other side...

I sit here, listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers, deciding to finally write a blog.  My livejournal just wasn't working for me.  No hits, no nothing.  Maybe a few times.  And I honestly don't even know what this will bring either.  I'm just hoping that people who are out that there will want to read this and want to think about their lives and maybe see things through my eyes or possibly enlighten me to see through theirs.  I am but a mere college student, trying to go down this road on my way to greatness.  Will I ever attain it?  And is it really that important to me?  I don't want to be 'great' I just want to be out there, somewhere in the universe...and I want people to think and to question and to want to be educated and to want to look into the deeper meaning of life and everything.  But it's not so simple is it?  I have a long road to go.  I have the world to see.  I hope I see the world, what it actually is, for what it's worth.  And I want to be like a revolutionary or something.  To change things, to challenge the status quo.  I don't want to be another follower in a herd of sheep.  I'm going to lead the people to glory, to freedom, to peace.  I want to be like Che Guevara or César Chávez.  I want to change this world in what ways that I can for the better.  I just have to figure out how I am going to do that...I have a long way to go, so I'm not too worried...just hoping that one day I will find the center of what I want and need in my life...