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I am...an Oxymoron

I've finally come to realize that my life is an oxymoron.  I am an oxymoron.  Even my own name.  I'm Kary Askew, the white European looking girl, but the Garcia just doesn't seem to fit the face, although my mother is brown.  I'm young but I'm old, I'm wise but still naive.  I'm Catholic but I miss church.  I believe in chastity but I have sex.  I believe in a society where sex is sacred yet I use it as something recreational.  I'm not married, but I've had a few pregnancy scares.  If I had a kid, maybe I'd be more of an oxymoron.  I'm pro-life but I'm a liberal.  I'm religious but Marxism doesn't seem as ridiculous as people have called it.  My family loves me but hates me.  They love me, but my political ideology is a force to be reckoned with.  I will not back down.  In some ways I am like my parents, stubborn, determined to create my own opinions and views on this world, yet still stubborn in their same ways.  Like my mother was when she defied the odds.  When she overcame what her mother told her.  When she showed everyone what she was made of.  Women.  We are.  Forces to be reckoned with.  Role models, arguers.  Not going to lie, my mother and I we have our differences.  But we are the same, essentially. 

I am an oxymoron.  I've lived to tell the tale.  Some people can't believe that I am the way I am.  Some people call me a hypocrite.  At times, they are not too far off the mark.  I criticize, I brutalize, I cry.  I say how awful others are without looking at myself, but I always feel the guilt.  I know the hypocrisy.  I feel it gnawing at my bones. 

I believe in freedom. 

Freedom to love, freedom to live, freedom to believe.  Freedom of speech.  I think education should be multicultural.  I think ethnic heritage and indigenous peoples need to be respected, preserved, cherished as part of our history.  I think that money that pays for schools should be equally distributed, so that the kids in the inner city get a chance too.  I hope they get a chance to walk out of the ghetto.  I hope they get the chance that I got...although many never will.

What child will get the same chance as I did?  To grow up in a religious, loving community?  To attend private, Catholic schools?  What chance will those children get?  They will not get that chance.  Very few children will ever get that chance.  So I say, programs.  Fund out of school programs for children.  Encourage them to learn.  Teach them about oppression, assimilation, the corruption in our society.  It's all about education.  We want to get them out of the ghetto.


And what about our borders?  I believe that the southwest is the territory of Aztlán.  It is the territory of our people, Xicanos, Mexicans, Latinos.  It is our territory and the united states has no right to dictate who stays and who goes.  Who was really here first, Mr. White Man?  Who was really here first? 

I believe they have the right to stay.  The right to work. The right to love their families enough to risk their lives just to send money over the border.  I believe in love.  Peace.  Unity.  I believe that the government should fund more programs to help these people stay, or at least help them in their country.  I believe that the government should fund scholarships and grants for poor, colored students.  Students of all colors. 

I believe that the government should help to fund poor women and children who may not have enough to survive. 

I believe that as citizens it is our duty as well to be charitable.

Be charitable.  Love.  Give. Help.


Am I such a bad person? 

I am an oxymoron.  But do these ideals make me a bad person?   Equality, multiculturalism, charity?

I've been told that I hate women.  That I hate children.  That I am stupid, conservative, dumb.  That I live in a delusion. 

It is because I am an oxymoron.  I am faithful.  I am lovely.  I am strong.  I am pro-life. 

I do not hate women.  I love women.  I embrace my femininity.  I believe women have the right to know what they're doing when they're making choices, and that sex, birth control, and abortion can cause all sorts of pain in their lives.

I know one of those caused me a lot of pain in mine.  The large conflict with my faith is still an ongoing battle...

I love children.  I love them dearly.  I donate, I volunteer, I hug, I laugh, I teach, I cherish.  I want to be a mother one day, with lots of children, adopted and of my own womb. 


I want my Lord to be there every step of the way. 

I am an oxymoron.  I don't think that I would ever want to be anything else.  White and brown.  Religious and perhaps Marxist.  Liberal and Pro-life. 

I love myself, oxymoron or not.
And no one can change that.  :)

still a lot to learn

dirty clothes on the floor
memories in a box.
door ajar
fan spreading cool air
into the stiff arid night.

is this my life?
graduation cards
in a box in the corner.
photos.
old ones.
friends, family, memories.
high school was never my legacy
but it sure left a lot of
luggage

this room looks so different.
so empty.
is it because when i left it
i left my old self behind?

goodbye innocence.
goodbye miss"all American sweetheart."
goodbye to all the
tragedies
world wars
and other trivial roadblocks
that high school presented to my life.

i feel like Lucy and the wardrobe.
i opened the door and stepped into a new
life.

leaving this behind was never hard.
it was just part of life.

and now that i am where i am

i don't know if i want to look at my past.

the girl in those pictures...
thinner, more self-conscious
innocent, naive.

she had a lot to learn.

and the girl
in the mirror that i stop to pass by
just barely i glance at

who is she?
not the same person evidently...

but in ways they are similar...

she has a lot to learn too.

i hate this blog.

i hate this blog because nobody reads it.  i don't post in it.  it is barren.
i hate this blog.
i love my livejournal.
i am too lazy to comment on other people's shit
i am too cheap to pay for a legit looking blog
i want feedback
but i am too lazy to go out there and get people to read my shit.
UGH
i hate this blog!!!!
but i wish people would read the few dumb things i put up here...

this has gotta be the good life...

1st year of freshman year in college = almost done.
and a part of me doesn't even realize that it's happening.  It's crazy.  A year ago I was worrying about what I was going to get on my AP tests, who was going to be my prom date, messing around near the lockers in high school, laughing my ass off with my friends.  But now everything is so different.  The place, the time, everything.  Everything.  And I never expected it to be like this at all.  It was crazy, it IS crazy.


I honestly didn't even know what I was expecting.  I didn't know how it was going to be.  I didn't know at all.  Although plenty a time this year I've made more of an ass out of myself than I ever had...it's still been the greatest year of my life.  I learned so much, I had fun, I loved like crazy.  And I lived my life.  I figured out what I wanted and what's best for me.  I figured it all out.  And maybe I don't have all my shit together, but it's getting there.  At least I'm on my way now, unlike before.

In all honesty, the partying, the craziness, it's all part of finding yourself.  I don't condone it in any sense.  I went through a lot more pain than maybe it was worth, but at the end of the day you begin to appreciate what you learned, and who was there to save your ass.

ok and i would have like so much more to say about this but....there's this research paper that i gotta do....haha
more laterrr. <3