Okay, now seriously...am I really enjoying being alone? And am I really hating talking to him this much? I never really thought I would say this but...I really think I'm getting over it. And I think he was right and that I shouldn't keep up this ruse for much longer. I feel almost bad. I really do care about him so much! And today we kissed when we saw each other...but it's just so normal for us to do that... It doesn't mean I actually LIKE him or anything... But I think I do...
It's all too confusing. I love being here at the library by myself and typing and (trying) to get stuff done. But for some reason I have this obsession of being tied down...I don't really understand that part of myself. I'm always saying how much I want to be "liberated" and "independent" and that I don't need a man to make me feel validated (which of course I don't). It's just the simple fact of having a guy...and the weirdest part is that I LIKE to assume the role of typical "submissive woman." I like to cook for him and take care of him and do things for him. I thoroughly enjoy that...like a mother takes care of a child (ok that is such a weird-ass way to put it but it's true). Is something wrong with me? I like to be motherly and I keep thinking about babies all the damn time...THIS CANNOT BE NORMAL. I am 19 years old! I don't have time for babies! But I still love them to death! And pregnant women, I just feel so much compassion for them...Sometimes I feel like the weirdest person in the world. Maybe I should volunteer at a pregnancy center this summer...or even a day care. Maybe that will knock some sense into me. (Not that I'm actually physically TRYING to get pregnant, my parents would KILL me).
Somebody PLEASE knock it into my brain that I gotta stop thinking about YEARS from now and think about today! Like the interview I had, or the jobs, my classes, this paper that I am avoiding... Wow and that now brings me to thinking about how happy I am with all of those things. Even if I don't get this bad ass job that I really want, I don't think I'll be that devastated because I know my interview went well. And that's all part of the process. Just as learning to lead a student organization will be and writing a newsletter.
Why is my life so incredibly ridiculous? :) Honestly, right now all I'm thinking about is finishing this paper and getting out of school. I cannot wait for the summer to come and to see my beloved friends and just enjoy my last summer of being a teenager. It's rather exciting. Life is definitely going to put some great challenges in front of me, but I'm so excited to take them on. I'm so ready for this and I'm motivated and I'm going to do this all.
So why the hell am I worried about men and relationships and babies? I have no clue! It has no relevance to where I'm at right now in life anyway. Just screw it all! Throw it out the window. I gotta concentrate on what's right here. And I'm going to. I'm going to tackle this and kill it. I'm going to succeed. Nobody can tell me otherwise. I can and WILL succeed.