Study Break

Okay, now seriously...am I really enjoying being alone?  And am I really hating talking to him this much?  I never really thought I would say this but...I really think I'm getting over it.  And I think he was right and that I shouldn't keep up this ruse for much longer.  I feel almost bad.  I really do care about him so much!  And today we kissed when we saw each other...but it's just so normal for us to do that...  It doesn't mean I actually LIKE him or anything... But I think I do...

It's all too confusing.  I love being here at the library by myself and typing and (trying) to get stuff done.  But for some reason I have this obsession of being tied down...I don't really understand that part of myself.  I'm always saying how much I want to be "liberated" and "independent" and that I don't need a man to make me feel validated (which of course I don't).  It's just the simple fact of having a guy...and the weirdest part is that I LIKE to assume the role of typical "submissive woman."  I like to cook for him and take care of him and do things for him. I thoroughly enjoy that...like a mother takes care of a child (ok that is such a weird-ass way to put it but it's true).  Is something wrong with me?  I like to be motherly and I keep thinking about babies all the damn time...THIS CANNOT BE NORMAL.  I am 19 years old!  I don't have time for babies!  But I still love them to death!  And pregnant women, I just feel so much compassion for them...Sometimes I feel like the weirdest person in the world.  Maybe I should volunteer at a pregnancy center this summer...or even a day care.  Maybe that will knock some sense into me.  (Not that I'm actually physically TRYING to get pregnant, my parents would KILL me). 

Somebody PLEASE knock it into my brain that I gotta stop thinking about YEARS from now and think about today!  Like the interview I had, or the jobs, my classes, this paper that I am avoiding...  Wow and that now brings me to thinking about how happy I am with all of those things.  Even if I don't get this bad ass job that I really want, I don't think I'll be that devastated because I know my interview went well.  And that's all part of the process.  Just as learning to lead a student organization will be and writing a newsletter. 

Haha
Why is my life so incredibly ridiculous? :)  Honestly, right now all I'm thinking about is finishing this paper and getting out of school.  I cannot wait for the summer to come and to see my beloved friends and just enjoy my last summer of being a teenager.  It's rather exciting.  Life is definitely going to put some great challenges in front of me, but I'm so excited to take them on.  I'm so ready for this and I'm motivated and I'm going to do this all.

So why the hell am I worried about men and relationships and babies?  I have no clue!  It has no relevance to where I'm at right now in life anyway.  Just screw it all!  Throw it out the window.  I gotta concentrate on what's right here.  And I'm going to.  I'm going to tackle this and kill it.  I'm going to succeed.  Nobody can tell me otherwise.  I can and WILL succeed.

And if you believe in life...

My argument is NOT stupid.  No argument is STUPID.  Never said yours was, I just think it's a little UNETHICAL, IMMORAL, and CRUEL.  So what if I am the way I am?  I support life.  I love life.  No baby should ever be "unwanted."  Were you not born?  Do you not recognize that all who are "pro-choice" have been born? 


Abortions are federally funded in the District of Columbia.
CHECK IT---> http://www.lifesitenews.com/news/archive/ldn/2009/dec/09121706 
No lies here.

Birth control pills are abortifacents.  CHECK IT.
http://chastity.com/chastity-qa/birth-control/abortion/do-birth-control-pills-ca

LIFE begins at conception.  SCIENTIFIC FACT.
One year later the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG) decided to redefine pregnancy. In its words, “conception is the implantation of a fertilized ovum.”[10] Instead of defining conception as fertilization, ACOG decided that life begins nearly a week later, at implantation. At the time they said that this was because pregnancy could not be detected before then. Today science is able to detect pregnancy before implantation, but the ACOG still won’t correct its definition.[11] The original change had nothing to do with a scientific discovery in women’s health, reproduction, or biology. Unfortunately, doctors today are split on the issue.[12]

http://chastity.com/chastity-qa/birth-control/abortion/do-birth-control-pills-ca

Birth control pills increase risk of breast, cervix, and liver cancer.
 http://chastity.com/chastity-qa/birth-control/safe-sex/does-birth-control-pill-i

Info about how birth control doesn't correlate with lower pregnancy or abortion rates, it actually increases them.
http://chastity.com/chastity-qa/birth-control/safe-sex/isnt-using-birth-control-
"Lastly, it should be noted that anyone who believes that contraception decreases abortions ignores the fact that hormonal birth control can cause abortions.[7] Click here for details on that."

And that's the FACTS.  I'm not stupid.  Why would you put your own body at risk?  Why would you EVER consider a human being not worthy for a life?  Why would you tell me my information isn't true when obviously it is? 

Peace out.

but we don't know the meaning of...fear...

And is this what happens?  After breaking up with the one you thought was "the one"?  I wanted to be with you, so badly.  I wanted you to hold me, so tenderly.  I wanted to be with you for the rest of my life.  And you told me that you wanted the same things.  But you go and change your mind?  And I waste months and months, trying to change your mind.  Was it fair to me?  Did I waste my time on you?  Did I waste my love on you?  I want to say that I didn't.  I want to say that it was great.  I want to say that I loved every moment of being with you.  Lies.  I didn't.  A lot of times I just wish you would be someone else.  Something else.  You couldn't give me what I needed.  But I have to do this.  I have to be strong.  I have to be alone.  I have to be beautiful.  I want you to look at me and adore me. Do you adore me?  I don't think you adore me. I don't think you could give me enough...I can give myself enough.  I'm breaking the chains, I don't need you anymore.

and not to say that you didn't mean anything to me.
You definitely meant a lot to me.  And you are an amazing human being.  I think that it's just time for me to step out into the light and take charge of my life, instead of depending on you for everything. 

I know the meaning of fear...
But it will be conquered.

Arte

scar tissue that i wish you saw...

What happened to counterculture?  What happened to the beauty and magic of it?  The defiance of set societal standards and the fight for something better for us.  Have we left it all back in the 1960's?  Have we forgotten the battles that the previous generations have fought for us.  I hope not.  I dearly hope not.  But it sickens me to see, this modern day culture.  This media saturated culture.  Education has gone to shit.  We are here in college, not to become educated, but to become those people who make money.  Have we all degraded ourselves to this point?  Is this really what people think of higher education?  Of life?  Of careers.  Of course there will be the big shots, the guys who want all the money in the world.  But most of us, most of us will go to college, graduate, get a job, live comfortably.  But is that really the point of life?  To be either living the high life or being comfortable (and I can imagine that those who are living the high life are more than comfortable)?  No, brothers and sisters.  Life is about stepping outside your comfort zones.  Life is about taking risks.  Life is about learning and loving and working hard and putting your whole heart and soul into what you do.  Life is about finding a cause to live for, something to fight for.  Establishing dignity, breaking down boundaries, telling them that NO we won't take this.  If there is no desire, there is no counterculture.  If there is no hope for change, nothing will change.  If there is nothing left for us to believe in, then we have nothing.  But see it as this; there is always something to believe in.  Whether it be for a better tomorrow, or just hope in general.  It could be faith, religion, God, a spirit, who knows.  But there is always something to believe in.  Life is bleak and hollow without belief or desire.  I have been one of those followers of the crowd.  I have been one of those media-saturated beings that call themselves humans.  There is no life with that.  There is no hope in that life.  Sometimes we need to peel our eyes away from the T.V. screen, or even ask ourselves questions about it.  Why do the women always look in a particular way?  Why must the men all be of a certain race or class?  Why must certain characters remain plot devices?  Or why is there humor because of a character that is different than the rest?  If we ask questions in our daily lives, thoughts will grow in our minds.  Once we start asking questions and connecting things in our daily lives, it is then when we become educated, or on the road to education.  Education is key to counterculture just as belief is.  Is it not clear as day?  Do we not see what is happening, endangering our communities in our own country?  They call us aliens.  They say it is their country, and we are the foreigners...but whose ancestors called this earth home long before the pale faced man stepped onto this soil?  Whose traditions and families and lives happened on this continent before anyone else could step foot here?  It was our ancestors.  And it is our right to be here, in this land.  Immigrants?  We are not immigrants, we are natives.  Illegals?  We are not illegal, this land should be our rightful home.  So what makes this judgment of whose land it is or not?  Who says who "owns" this land.  Nobody owns this land, this land was our mother earth's gift to her people, and her people are supposed to respect it.  That surely never happened.  Do you realize who this world was built in favor for, when you see suburbs, and cities, and planes and trains and books and magazines?  Do you realize who things are made for and what everything is catered toward?  It is not for us.  It is not our world, because they have taken it from us.  But so many have slipped into this culture, being taken advantage of through their hegemonic means.  We think that this is all there is.  We think that maybe if we work hard enough we will get what we want.  This is what they want us to think.  This is what they want us to think when they take away our workers' rights, our scholarships, and our dignity.  They want us to think there is nothing more than what life they have given us.  It is our time to take it back.  It is our turn to get what we rightfully deserve.  It should never have been a crime for one to come here, in order to feed their family.  It should never be a crime to teach freely about our sacred culture.  It should never be legal for the government to require you to carry around "documents" just because you are brown.  Don't listen to their bull shit.  Don't let them take away your rights.  You are strong.  We are strong.  Revive the counterculture.  Viva la raza!

take it on the other side...

I sit here, listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers, deciding to finally write a blog.  My livejournal just wasn't working for me.  No hits, no nothing.  Maybe a few times.  And I honestly don't even know what this will bring either.  I'm just hoping that people who are out that there will want to read this and want to think about their lives and maybe see things through my eyes or possibly enlighten me to see through theirs.  I am but a mere college student, trying to go down this road on my way to greatness.  Will I ever attain it?  And is it really that important to me?  I don't want to be 'great' I just want to be out there, somewhere in the universe...and I want people to think and to question and to want to be educated and to want to look into the deeper meaning of life and everything.  But it's not so simple is it?  I have a long road to go.  I have the world to see.  I hope I see the world, what it actually is, for what it's worth.  And I want to be like a revolutionary or something.  To change things, to challenge the status quo.  I don't want to be another follower in a herd of sheep.  I'm going to lead the people to glory, to freedom, to peace.  I want to be like Che Guevara or César Chávez.  I want to change this world in what ways that I can for the better.  I just have to figure out how I am going to do that...I have a long way to go, so I'm not too worried...just hoping that one day I will find the center of what I want and need in my life...